Shining the light on a wound is painful. I have no other words to describe the discomforting task of unpeeling the layers that cover our wounds. But I want to assure you that allowing yourself to feel emotions without the use of the old coping mechanisms that once kept you safe, is the only path to healing. That emotional injury is the source of your discomfort, shame and isolation.

You will find that the journey of recovering the person you were meant to be cannot occur without disclosure of the source of your discomfort. For this reason, you must prepare yourself for the journey by surrounding yourself with support and developing good self-care practices. It can be very helpful to seek out a therapist, especially if you have difficulty trusting others or a tendency to isolate when going through a difficult time. Also, establishing and maintaining a spiritual practice is important. This is not a journey you want to embark on along.

The legacy of child abuse is the repression of emotions while at the same time learning to be vigilant to the emotions of others in order to survive. This leads to an arrested development in children and later an inability to deal with strong emotions as an adult. I have struggled with emotional trauma caused by childhood abuse. At first, it showed up as an inability to trust others and anxiety when meeting new people. Then I noticed that I was very good at handling crisis but fell apart when dealing with conflict between myself and individuals in authoritative positions.

This was a problem that had occurred in the past and inhibited my ability to progress. I had to ask myself why I was having this problem. I have always been told that I was a hard worker and an asset to those around me. Whatever I chose to do I did it well which was due to my perfectionist tendencies.  However, my temper sometimes clouded my judgment when dealing with certain supervisors. I told myself that I had to find a way to regulate my emotions. The answer came as I journeyed within and stopped blaming others for my problems.  This was one bitter pill to swallow.

I was good at handling crisis because it was a role that I was very familiar with as a child. No matter what chaotic event that occurred around me as a child I had to always pull myself together, put on a happy face and take care of my siblings. I held my family together. To the adults around me, I represented the perfect kid but, on the inside, I was falling apart. Eventually, I became an expert at dissociation, and I sincerely believe that this coping mechanism kept me functional.

As a child, I was always looking for signs of danger which eventually turned into hypervigilance. I never knew when my stepmother was going to slap, punch, kick or bang my head against a wall. I had to prepare myself to handle the physical pain whenever we were alone. The price I paid for my hypervigilance and dissociation was an inability to recognize my emotional dysregulation.  As an adult, I am triggered by individuals in positions of authority who have a rigid personality because they remind me of my stepmother. Keep in mind that this is all occurring unconsciously, and my emotional dysregulation is an instant reaction due to my body keeping score of all the times I was slapped, punched or kicked and having developed reactions to protect or help me manage.

Now I must retrain my body to act differently and stop blaming myself for things that I could not control as a child. I have been stuck emotionally at the age that my abuse started, and healing requires me to be a gentle parent to myself. Now I must remind myself that my transformation is taking place one day at a time and self-love is the key. This was easier said than done.

I used to get upset when I heard people saying, “just love yourself and everything will be ok.” In my mind, I would think that they clearly did not have to struggle through the abuse I experienced. But this type of thinking was not helpful to me because of each person’s unique journey. What I know for sure is that loving yourself is more than just pampering yourself. It is a willingness to get to know yourself, recognizing your weaknesses and limitations and the things that you are good at. It is a deep acceptance of your experiences and an understanding that you have the power to change your life.

I suggest that you try inner bonding. The process of inviting your higher self to partake in the conversation of transformation. This is helpful in questioning your belief system and its effect on your behavior. Asking yourself questions about why you are feeling unhappy, annoyed, agitated, depressed, guilty, shameful, judgmental, lonely, unfulfilled, as well as feeling comforted or happy which is also useful in helping you become more aware of your unconscious motivators.  

Remember that your emotions are delivering an important message. When you ask questions such as “Why am I feeling this way?” you will be able to distinguish the difference between a recent upset and an old wound.  Eventually your perception of yourself will shift and you will start to see your environment in a different way.

Taking the time to talk to yourself in a self-soothing compassionate way is an important step in reparenting yourself. For example, instead of saying to yourself, “Why did I do that? I am so dumb.” You can simply say to yourself, “It’s ok, everyone makes mistakes” Your inner dialogue is helpful in embracing the concept of “good enough”. You are a good enough parent, employee, friend or partner. Each day you will learn from the mistakes and become more of the person you were meant to be.